The Closet Speaks
by Baka Deshis
Summary: After waking up the whole castle during their patrol, Ron, Harry, Blaise and Pansy decided to lock Draco and Hermione inside a closet. What does Snape and the bloody Sound of Music have to do with everything? You'll see...
1. Chaos

**The Closet Speaks**

**Chapter 1: Chaos**

**Disclaimer**: (shakes head) Right, I own Harry Potter and pigs can fly.

(pig flies over readers) Okay, I don't own Harry Potter.

**0.o-0.o-0.o-0.o-0.o**

Push. Push. Bam.

Click.

Tok. Tok. Tok.

"Get me out of here! There is no way I'm stuck here with the Prince of Peroxide!"

"Why Granger, usually girls would die to get stuck in a closet with me…"

"Oh, so you're enjoying yourself there, Draco?"

"Oh shut up, Blaise! Why would I like to be stuck with an oversized buck toothed beaver?"

"Just stop it before I turn both of you into oversized buck toothed beavers!"

Silence.

"Okay, may I ask why I'm stuck in the broom closet with Mr. Evil over here?"

"Well, you two are Heads this year, and last night, when you were in patrol you woke everyone up with your constant bickering! Come on! You woke me up when I was dreaming about Cho Chang! Ah… good times…"

"What ever Harry, I say that we let them go bickering 'till they grow white beards, if it weren't for them, I wouldn't have woken up from that nightmare about spiders!" Shivers.

"Just let them out! I don't want the Mudblood to stain my ickle-Drakie poo…"

Sniggers.

"PANSY! How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not interested any more!"

Cough, cough.

"I'm sickened, and disturbed."

"What do you mean by 'any more', huh, Malfoy?"

"Yeah, we didn't know that the Ferret and the Pug went out together…"

"Oh, you wouldn't know since they were doing it in secret, only I, Blaise Zabini, knows since Draco here likes to boast about his little, ahem, shall we say, escapades."

Blush.

"I'm telling you here. When I get out of this damn closet I will hex you to the next millennium."

"…"

"Hermione, are you alright?"

"Yes."

"Then why are you so quite for the past, um… few seconds?"

"Just enjoying the view of Malfoy being humiliated over here."

"Oh…"

"And one more thing, if you don't let me out this instant, I'm going to let you fail Potions!"

"…"

"Typical, Granger, you always worrying about school…"

"Hey! I need to study too! I've got better things to do then being stuck with the amazing bouncing ferret!"

"So what? I've got to practice Quidditch, Sleeping Bushy!"

Bicker. Bicker.

Bang.

"…"

"If you don't stop bickering, we'll let you stay there 'till my eyes turn yellow and start jumping around!"

"Harry, mate, that's a huge insult for Mad-Eye Moody there."

"Sorry, sorry…"

"Sorry to interrupt your charming little conversation, but aren't you the ones who pushed us in here when I was in the Owlery?"

"And when I was in the dungeons?"

"Wait a sec, Granger, why were you in the Owlery anyway?"

"…"

"AHA! I knew it! You're still writing to that Krum guy!"

"Oh shut up, Ron."

"What'd you say, huh Granger? Dear Vicky…"

"…"

"I love you so much Vick…"

"…"

Clench.

"Please visit me here so we can do some, ahem, things to each other…"

"…"

Growl.

"Some naughty things to each other…"

Smack.

"How many times do I have to tell the whole world, that me and Viktor are just friends!"

"…"

"We have never gone out, we were only friends…"

"…"

"And the only reason he asked me out to the Yule Ball was to be my friend!"

"…"

"Wow, she's gone hysterical."

"Yeah, I feel sorry for Draco."

"Why, Pans?"

"Number one, he's inside with a stark raving mad Granger…"

Rant. Rant.

"And second, he's still speechless."

"…"

"I just remembered, isn't this the second time he got slapped by Hermione?"

"Yeah, the first time was what, in third year, four years ago?"

"Oh yeah… Too bad I wasn't there to witness it. Did you see it Pansy?"

"No…"

"Oh, Ron here and I witnessed it."

"A little shocking…"

"Yet… ah… those were the good times…"

**0.o-0.o-0.o-0.o-0.o-0.o-0.o**

**A/N**: There it is, chapter 1. How do you like it? Is it a little confusing? If you don't understand it, then I'll edit it to make it better for you to understand. Constructive criticism? Comments? Suggestions? Flames? Any reviews are welcome!

Moshii


	2. Ferret

**The Closet Speaks**

**Chapter 2: Ferret**

**Disclaimer: **(Sung to the tune of 'Bingo') There's a person who owns Harry Potter, frankly it's not me. N-O-T M-E. N-O-T M-E. N-O-T M-E. And I don't own Harry Potter, no!

**0.o-0.o-0.o-0.o-0.o**

"Okay, we'll leave you two Heads in there until you could compromise."

"Hey! How could you get us out of here then?"

"We'll check on you every two hours."

"…"

"Fine…"

Tap, tap, tap.

"…"

"I'm bored, Granger."

"What? We've only been here for two minutes and you're already bored?"

"So? Enlighten me Granger, why do you always call me Ferret?"

"Well…"

"I'm waiting…"

"Remember the time Moody transfigured you to a ferret?"

"Yeah, and remember, it wasn't really Moody, it was Mini-Crouch. But do go on…"

"…"

"OY! Get back to the story!"

"Oh, sorry, I was just cherishing the moment…"

"And I perished at that moment. Get on with it."

"Oh, alright… Party Pooper."

"Who you calling a party poo—"

"Back to the subject…"

"Oh you're just saying that to save yourself from the pain of my anger."

"…"

"What?"

"From the fact that you were a little dramatic, nothing at all."

"Just get on with it, woman!"

"Okay, I just loved it when you were bouncing around."

"Why?"

"I mean come on, what could be funnier than your enemy being turned into the amazing bouncing ferret?"

"Um… You-Know-Who as the amazing bouncing ferret wearing a fairy princess costume?"

"Bwahahahahaha…."

"…"

"Hahahahhahahahaha…"

"Stop the laughing."

"Hahaha… I'm sorry…"

"Don't be."

"The Dark Lord must be rolling in his grave right now… The son of a Death Eater making fun of him… Oh, his ghost will haunt you forever…"

"…"

"…"

"But I must admit that it was funny, I got to add it on my 'Things to think about before sleeping' list."

"What kind of list is that?"

"Well, I thought of it before I went to sleep."

"…"

"Well I did!"

"…"

"Okay, to break the silence, what about the name Prince of Peroxide?"

"What about it?"

"How'd you come up with that?"

"When I was ten years old, my mother used to have this blonde hair dye."

"Uh-huh… go on…"

"She told me not to take it out since it was full of peroxide."

"So?"

"If you put to much peroxide on your hair, it will all fall out and you'd end up like a toilet seat."

"…"

"And since your hair seems pretty blonde, I'm thinking that you use a lot of blonde hair dye."

"…"

"Hello…? Any comments? Concerns?"

"That will be the last time I use hair dye."

"Woah, you use muggle hair dye?"

"Yes… Got a problem?"

"Yeah, since you are the one who says muggles are useless and the only things that they are useful for is target practice."

"Hey, I didn't say that!"

"Admit it."

"Okay, fine. But I didn't say that last bit."

"Whatever."

"…"

"But I swear, I heard that you said that…"

"Granger, do you want to be the target for target practice?"

"No."

"Then shut up for just one second."

"Alright…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

Silence.

"Granger, could you turn on the light? This place is so dark and it's definitely not good for my skin."

"Why do you have to worry so much about your skin?"

"Well, I'd look as white as Potter when he finds out that you're queer."

"Wait, but he doesn't know that. That isn't even true!"

"…"

"Tell him that and I'll kill you."

"I'll tell him and you'll kill me, that way I could die happy."

"I'm serious here."

Shuffle. Shuffle.

"What are you doing Ferret?"

"Backing away, I'm trying to get as much sun light as I can."

"If you want a tan, it'll take you an infinity."

"That's why I want you to turn on the light."

"It won't make any difference, you'll still be as pale as ever."

"Granger…"

"Fine, fine…"

"Thank you…"

"But you do realize that you will still be that pale until the day you die and even 'till apocalypse?"

"Hey, the pale skin was a gift passed down from one generation to another!"

"So even your great-great-great-great grandmother's daughter's son's brother's father's sister's grandchild has pale skin?"

"Hey, great-great-great-great grandmother Jemima was a great woman! And that grandchild you're talking about is me!"

"…"

"What?"

"Usually when I say those lines about your long lost relatives, people would just go blank."

"Well, that's because I am the only one smart enough to actually understand!"

"Ego trip…"

"And I invented those lines! Hah!"

"Yes, but I perfected it."

"Just turn the lights on, Bushy."

Pull.

"Ow! That was my nose!"

"Sorry, didn't mean to ruin your perfect nose…"

"I sense the sarcasm there, Mudblood."

"I'll turn it on if you stop blabbing."

"…"

"Good."

Pull.

Click.

"ARGH! My eyes!"

"What's wrong? Too bright, Malfoy?"

"No, it's the horrible sight of…."

"What?"

"You!"

"…"

"Hahahahahaha…"

"Are you that desperate to die?"

"…"

Roll. Roll.

"Hey, what's that noise?"

"Dunno."

"Malfoy, the shelves are behind you, it could be something from the shelves…"

"Really? Are you sure?"

"Yeah…"

Thunk.

"Malfoy? Are you okay?"

"…"

"Hello…. God, he's unconscious."

Scrape. Scrape.

"He got hit by… a bowling ball?"

**0.o-0.o-0.o-0.o-0.o**

**A/N**: Ooh… what's going to happen next? You'll see! Any kind of reviews are welcome!

Moshii


	3. Bowling

**The Closet Speaks**

**Chapter 3: Bowling**

**Disclaimer:** Three differences between me and J.K. Rowling, she's British, rich and owns Harry Potter. I'm Indonesian, broke and own nothing. Except the plot maybe.

(**A/N:** Thanks **Strawberry Shortcake** for your suggestion and I'll try to make the chapters longer, sorry **teendevilneithe** for the weirdness in the story, sorry to **Kiwi-San** for the confusion, and thank you **cheeren** and all of the other reviews. Virtual apple pies to all!)

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

"Wow, that has probably been the fastest recovery ever."

"What do you mean?"

"You just got hit by a pink bowling ball. You were unconscious for two minutes."

"A pink what?"

"A bowling ball."

"What's a bowling ball?"

"It's a muggle thing, you wouldn't know."

"Somehow I'm interested."

"I thought you took Muggle Studies in third year."

"I only used that period to sleep."

"No wonder you flunked."

"Before I really get angry, just tell me what bowling is."

"It's a muggle sport."

"Details, Granger…"

"Well, it's quite complicated…"

"What's so complicated about this umm… 'Bowling'? Isn't it just a muggle game where you throw a bowl of Chinese noodles or something?"

Giggle.

"How'd you get that idea, eh Ferret?"

"Well, the word bowl in bowling. What, is it right?"

"Your lack of listening skills has finally paid off at your own expense."

"I did need my beauty sleep, plus why would I need to learn how to safely use eckeltricity?"

"First off, you don't need any beauty sleep, second, its electricity."

"What do you mean that I don't need any beauty sleep?"

"Beauty sleep is useless for you, you'll still be your ratty self anyway."

"…"

"What a miracle."

"…"

"You've gone silent other than when you're unconscious!"

"…"

"Thank the Lord… Alleluia…"

"You do realize that the only reason I'm quite is to think of your untimely defeat."

"…"

"HAH! Revenge is sweet, now you're the one who's speechless. Mwahahahhaa…"

"…"

"Hahahahaha…."

"Do you want me to tell you what bowling is?"

"Hahahahaha…"

"Do you want to be hit by a bowling ball again?"

"…"

"Good. Anyway, bowling is this sport where that heavy ball is used to knock 10 pins from a distance."

"Oh…"

"But the question is, who would keep a pink bowling ball in a broom closet when there aren't any bowling lanes around here?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson."

"Malfoy, since when have you been reading muggle novels?"

"For your information, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was a half-blood."

"No he is not. How can the author of Sherlock Holmes be half wizard?"

"Uh…"

"You're just making this up."

"Hey, reading mystery stories written by a muggle is not a problem."

"Says the man who says that muggles are useless."

"…"

"Let me see…"

Lift. Lift.

"Urgh, that's a heavy bowling ball."

"Does it say anything on the ball?"

"Yep."

"It says… Property of Severus Snape?"

"The Head of Slytherin goes bowling?"

"Oh the shame… You know how embarrassing this is for me? You know that my whole house is humiliated?"

"No… but once I announce it to the whole school, I would. Thanks for the idea Peroxide Boy!"

"You dare do that, and I'll take all the points from your house. Besides, what if he just found it?"

"What? If he just found it, then how come it says Property of Severus Snape?"

"Well, there are loads of people named Severus Snape."

"Right, and my great-great uncle's name is Severus Snape."

"Really?"

"I was being sarcastic! And you know what, I don't think Snape is a common last name…"

"Well it is in Sweden!"

"Whatever, but reason number one can't be right. It's just too…"

"Strange?"

"No, bizarre."

"Well, what if he found it and mistook it as a real bowl?"

"…"

"What? That's possible!"

"Moron, it doesn't even look like a bowl."

"What? Maybe he needed glasses"

"…"

"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Like that time you turned into that cat in second year?"

"Who told you that?"

"A little talkative birdie from Gryffindor house."

"…"

"What?"

"I'm going to kill Lavender for telling you that."

"Why do you suspect Brown?"

"She dated you last year, and she's a total gossip queen. I wonder how she found out…"

"You can blame Weasel for that."

"Huh? How?

"Well, he was there to witness the wonderful transformation…"

"Hrrrmh…."

"And wasn't he drunk when he told the whole Gryffindor house during that New Years party?"

"Fine, I'll kill both of them."

"And how'd our conversation about Snape's bowling ball turn into relationships?"

"Dunno…"

"Back to the bowling ball…"

"I didn't know Professor Snape liked pink..."

"You're right, I'll add that to my list of 'Things to Think of before Sleeping."

"Why?"

"I was thinking that I could laugh myself to sleep by thinking of Professor Snape dancing in a pink tutu."

"Maybe you should add the pink tutu to your shopping list. I'm sure Professor Snape will appreciate that you think of him as your role model…"

"…"

Smirk.

"Don't you, Super-Ferret?"

"I'm humiliated by a Mudblood."

Slump.

"That's unusual, usually you would come up with another pathetic comeback like 'you useless Mudblood! How dare you insult the pink professor?'"

"…"

"…"

"I didn't say the last part, we just know that he like pink, or maybe he doesn't, maybe he transfigured his old stinky socks into the bowling ball…"

"Yeah, sure, his old PINK stinky socks with frilly doily edges…"

"Or maybe he just likes pink…"

"Stupid moron with stupid twisted imagination."

"Wow, that must be a mouthful."

"You know Snape's going to kill you for that pink tutu comment."

"I know."

"You could also lose your job as Head Boy."

"I know."

"Let me guess, so you wouldn't have to spend another minute with me?"

"Bingo."

"But you'll also lose all your privileges…"

"Like what?"

"Like taking points, giving detentions…"

"So what, no big deal…"

"And your position as Seeker and Captain of the Slytherin Quidditch team."

Gasp.

"If you tell him that…"

"Oh don't worry, you said so yourself, you wanted to lose your position as Head Boy, Seeker and Captain."

"I didn't mean that…"

"Your father will disown you…"

"That's no problem…"

"But you will get kicked out, and you'll have to work like a house-elf!"

"You still didn't drop that SPEW thing, haven't you?"

"It's not a thing! It's an organization I'm managing so house-elves can have their rights!"

"Oh, and let's do a recap, how many people besides you are in SPEW?"

"…"

"Zero. Hah!"

Smirk.

Thunk!

"That's for insulting SPEW! And insulting SPEW is insulting all of the house-elves known to wizard-kind!"

"Owh… That really hurt! On the spot that bowling ball hit me too…"

"Your fault for insulting SPEW…"

"Okay, fine. I take it back…"

"Good, or else you'll get a bigger bump on your head."

"…"

"…"

"How long have we been here Granger?"

"Fifteen minutes."

"Fifteen minutes inside a cupboard with a mutated beaver is long enough! I need to get out of here!"

"Or else what? You're going to come running up to daddy, screaming and throwing little tantrums?"

"…"

"God, you really need to grow up. You can't be a spoiled brat about everything…"

"So? You're the one who always goes to Potty and Weasel when you're in trouble."

"Not true."

"Right…"

"The sarcasm is so obvious there, that even your thick friends Crabbe and Goyle would have sensed it."

"Well, it is true!"

"Prove it."

"In first year…"

"The troll attack didn't count. I didn't come up to them and said 'hey, I'm going to be attacked by a troll, can you rescue me later?' I mean come on, I wasn't that helpless back then…"

"Oh, never mind… I've no prove other than that…"

"Hah!"

"Rub it in, while you're at it Granger."

"Gladly."

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

(**A/N**: There it is folks, chapter 3. I made it a little longer, hope you liked it! Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Flames? All the reviews I have will be put to use! If anyone wants to suggest what happens next, just say so!)

M**o**s**h**i**i**


	4. History

**The Closet Speaks**

**Chapter 4: History**

**Disclaimer:** Oh, cool! Now you can buy Harry Potter in the nearest 7-Eleven! I want one! (walks off room) (comes back, fuming) Darn it! J.K. Rowling got the last one, it's sold out! (sulks)

(**A/N:** So sorry I didn't update earlier, I had school work, piano practice, school work, end of year assembly, school work, writer's block… wait, did I mention school work? Anyway, thanks for the reviews from **Queenofhell** and **Kiwi-San**!)

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

"I'm bored, enlighten me Granger."

"…"

"I'm bored, enlighten me Granger."

"…"

"I'm bored, enlighten me Granger."

"Would you stop saying that? We've only been here for 20 minutes and you just said that a million times! Why don't YOU enlighten yourself, huh?"

"How?"

"Tell me about yourself then."

"Okay then, when Lucius Xavier Malfoy met my mother Narcissa, they immediately had…"

"I think I know what happens next! Just cut out the disgusting parts…"

"Fine. Anyway, then I was born."

"That's it?"

"Well, you told me to cut out the disgusting bits…"

"You being born is not disgusting, well, maybe just a little unnatural for you…"

"Oy!"

"But please at least tell me why you won't tell me about how you were born!"

"Well, it's just, weird."

"Then tell me! When I found out that I was a witch, at that moment I thought that I will never find anything weirder than that!"

"Oh fine…"

"So how were you born?"

"Well, in short, it was just really quick."

"What do you mean?"

"Well…"

"…"

"Um…"

"…"

"Err…"

"Tell me or perish!"

"I choose perish!"

"Okay, fine. Avada…"

"Alright, alright! Anything but the killing curse! I can't die now, I'm too young to die!"

"…"

"I still need to find a cure for ugliness and wrinkles!"

"…"

"And I still need to be the youngest male model on the cover of Witch Weekly! And…"

"Are you done with your rambling?"

"…"

"You're just trying to stall aren't you?"

Nod.

"Fine, I'll tell you."

"Huzzah!"

"My mother sneezed."

"Huh?"

"She sneezed, I flew out, my dad caught me in his hands."

Sniggers.

"I take back what I said, now THAT'S the weirdest thing I've ever heard."

"See! This is why I won't tell you how I was born!"

"So now THAT'S why your father sees you in disgust…"

"Oh sheesh…"

"Hahaha… okay… Now continue about your life story."

"Then I learnt to ride a broom when I was 5 years old…"

"…"

"It was a Comet 260, it was one of the fastest in those days…"

"Now you sound like an old geezer."

"I'm going to ignore that."

"…"

"Anyway, I felt so free when I finally flew, I was going 50 miles per hour, I was…"

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you, cut out the boring bits."

"Flying is not boring!"

"Just get on with it."

"Fine. When I was 11, I got the letter from Hogwarts…"

"Woah, wait a second."

"What?"

"What about pre-school? Kindergarten? Elementary school?"

"…"

Smirk.

"You didn't go to school before Hogwarts, didn't you?"

"Well, my parents taught me how to read, write and count…"

"What's 100 divided by 1?"

"101?"

"Hah! Wrong! No wonder you flunked Arithamancy…"

"Hey! I can do math too!"

"Right…"

"I can add!"

"But you can't multiply."

"…"

"Or subtract."

"…"

"Or divide either."

"…"

"Why don't you get a tutor or something?"

Mumble.

"What? I didn't catch that."

"I said I didn't what help!"

"Oh, never mind Malfoy, I can help you if you want. I can teach you in the Room of Requirements, and since we're heads, no one will know unless we tell any one else…"

"Fine… Thanks Granger."

"It's alright, hey, get back to the subject!"

"Well, you were the one who went on about school!"

"Fine."

"…"

"I said you can go back to the story of Draco Malfoy…"

"I'm done, I haven't been here for a long time, and you know what happens during the time I was in here since the gossip and stuff…"

"…"

"Well, enough about me. How about you?"

"Oh man, Malfoy, do you have a fever?"

"What?"

"Usually you'd be going on about you, you and you. But now you're asking about me?"

"…"

"Something is definitely wrong here."

"Well, I'm only asking you because I'm bored and we still have at least 1 hour to spend here!"

"Okay then, I was born to Derek and Jane Granger in a hospital in London on September 16. My mother was an English professor so she named me Hermione."

"And where'd that freakish name come from?"

"One of the plays by Shakespeare."

"Oh… That bald guy who stole my great-great aunts' spells…"

Cough. Cough.

"You mean, your aunts are the three witches from _Macbeth_?"

"Yep. And Shakespeare died a horrible death for that…"

"Maybe that's why witches are portrayed as old women with messy hair and long noses with a wart on top…"

"Oy, watch it!"

"And you have the inheritance!"

"…"

"Say something Ferret…"

"Poor old Aunt Helga must be rolling in her grave right now."

"Meh."

"Hey, she's already pushing up the orchids!"

"Um, it's 'pushing up the daisies' Malfoy."

"Do you want to be pushing up the daisies?"

"Has that bowling ball gone to your head?"

"Can we just forget about it?"

"Do you want me to continue my life story?"

"…"

"Woah."

"What?"

"This is a really awkward moment…"

"What do you mean?"

"We've been asking questions for 1 whole minute, and no one has even answered them…"

"Hm… You're right. So… in order… Maybe and yes."

"So you think that the bowling ball has caused some psychological problems and to cure that, you must see a neurosurgeon to have your membrane cut out?"

"Uh… Possibly?"

"Your slow nature makes me want to puke."

"Huh?"

"Then again, you not attending school for 6 years could be an advantage…"

"You do realize that you're talking to yourself again?"

"What do you mean 'again'?"

"Well, in fifth year I heard you talking to yourself."

Cringe.

"About what?"

"Something about the square root of whatever."

Sweat.

"Why were you so tense Granger?"

"Nothing!"

"Did you think I was about to say some horrible secret about you?"

"Um…"

"I should get that out!"

"Wha… No!"

"Yes I will! I'll torture you!"

Laugh.

"How? Threaten to break my quill?"

"Hm… Now there's a thought…"

"I'll shut up, so I won't give you anymore ideas…"

"Well… I'll use Chinese torture!"

"Hubawah…?"

"Never mind…"

"…"

"Back to your life story…"

"Where was I? Oh yeah… Me being born, yada yada yada, bla bla bla…"

"The audience would like a more detailed summary…"

"What audience?"

"…"

"Anyway, I skipped kindergarten…"

"Why? Did you excel at nap time?"

"…"

"Or milk and cookies?"

"…"

"I'll just shut up now…"

"I was in primary school and skipped year 3 and 4."

"That explains why you are such a know-it-all…"

Growl.

"Okay! I'll shut up!"

"I got my letter when I was 10…"

"That means you're younger than everyone else?"

"No! My birthday is in September remember? I got the letter in July, you dolt!"

"Touchy, touchy…"

"…"

"Wow, I didn't know that your life was that boring!"

"What? It's not!"

"Your boring life could explain why you're so fascinated in boring things!"

"My life is not boring! I got to meet famous people, have adventures…"

"But they way you put it, it seems so boring…"

"…"

"Hah! And the Royal Prince wins!"

"You mean the Royal Ferret…"

"…"

"Hah! In your face! I win…"

"…"

"Um… What do you mean by winning? Winning what?"

"Dunno…"

"Then why on earth did you say 'the Royal Prince wins'?"

"Dunno…"

"I think that bowling ball has definitely gone to your head…"

"…"

"Lemme check…"

"Woy, woy. Watch it!"

"Stand still…"

"Get your filthy hands of my forehead! What do you think you're doing?"

"Checking for a fever? What do you think I was doing? Knitting a scarf?"

" …"

"…"

"For your information, I do not have a fever and I'm not insane!"

"Oh really? For a second there, I thought you were…"

"Oh shaddup…"

"With a temper like that, I have no idea how you got your friends…"

"Well, they know who to socialize with, and it's with the upper-class purebloods!"

"I don't know about upper-class, but maybe stuck-up and pompous purebloods…"

"Oy!"

"And what happened to Crabbe and Goyle? I don't see you with them anymore…"

"Oh, them? Well, they're always in the dorms… Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering…"

"Or do you fancy them?"

"Ew, gross… No way…"

"Granger likes Crabbe… Granger likes Goyle…"

"You are so immature…"

"So? I know what you are, what am I?"

"An idiot?"

"…"

"Haha… Hermione Jane Granger always gets the last word…"

"Bah."

"The last word that actually means something, anyway…"

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

(**A/N:** (sobs) So sorry I couldn't update earlier! Hope you like this one, it's about 2 pages longer (in MS Word), so I hope it's enough! As I said, thanks for reviewing, and I need more now so I can go on!)


	5. Sing

**The Closet Speaks**

**Chapter 5: Sing**

**Disclaimer:**

Hermione: Repeat after me: I, Moshii, do not own Harry Potter or its characters.

Me: I, Moshii, do not own Harry Potter or its characters.

Draco: And I promise to update faster.

Me: And I promise to update faster.

Hermione: And I confess that Hermione is the prettiest and smartest girl in the history of Hogwarts!

Draco: And that Draco Malfoy is all powerful and handsome!

Me: And I confess that Hermione is the-- woah, wait a minute…

Hermione and Draco: (whistles and looks away)

(**A/N:** I'm so sorry I didn't update sooner, since I kind of had writer's block, I mean come one, an idea doesn't just come in, it takes time to think about it and make it perfect… (_a guy named Idea comes in_)

Idea: Hi! I'm an Idea, and no I'm not just a mere figment of your imagination!

Me: Oh sheesh… Anyway, thanks to **bern, snowmouse, DiscordantHarmony, Lila Berylla, Crying Pixie, kraftdinner1256, Kiwi-San, Hawaiian-Rachael, CrimsonSadows, **and** hermionerocks2008**, thanks for the reviews! Oh yeah, the songs sung by either character are not mine, except for the 'one million bottles' song, I made that up…)

…_**s**i**n**g..._

"Granger…"

"Save your breath, I know what you're going to say."

"What? That I just a saw a rat on your pathetic excuse of a bird's nest that you call hair?"

"Huh? Wah…?"

"…"

"DON'T JUST STAND THERE! GET IT OFF!"

"What? Get my beautiful sensitive hands dirty just for a person like you?"

"JUST DO IT!"

"I don't think so…"

"Well, then how am I supposed to get this rat off my head?"

"I don't know…"

"Then why is this rat on top of my head in the first place?"

"Well, I would've conjured one to pop up…"

"AHA! So you did it!"

"But then I don't have my wand."

Smirk.

"Oh the shame…"

"And this is a closet, so I'd suppose there'd be more rats…"

"Wah? ARGH! I'm surrounded by rats!"

"And don't worry, I know the ancient technique to ward of rats!"

"An ancient technique?"

"Yeah, it was passed down from one Malfoy generation to another…"

Snorts.

"So what? Your great-great-great-great-great grandfather was the Pied Piper of Hamelin?"

"…"

"I'm waiting for an answer…"

"Great-great-great grandfather Jones, great-great-great-great grandfather James…"

"Hellooo…. Are you in some kind of trance?"

"No, I was just retracing my ancestors!"

"Whatever…"

"…"

"…"

"Uh… How did you know?"

"Know what, my ferret friend?"

"That my great-great-great-great-great grandfather was the Pied Piper of Hamelin."

Stares.

"I didn't even know, it was only a joke!"

"How did you read my mind?

"I didn't!"

"Maybe you could use telepathy to tell me all the answers during the finals…"

"OY! First of all, I did not read your mind. It was just a coincidence…"

"Oh wait, did you see that?"

"Where?"

"I think I just saw a pig fly…"

"Well, it is true that I didn't read your mind."

"Right…"

"And back to the subject, I won't help you cheat!"

"Not even if I gave you a thousand galleons?"

"I doubt that you even have that much money."

"What? You doubt the riches of a Malfoy?"

"Oh sheesh, never mind…"

"Hey, at least I took your mind off that rat…"

"What? Get it off, get it off!"

"But apparently not off your head…"

"Get it OFF!"

"Me and my big mouth…"

"ARGH!"

"If you want me to tell you how to get that rat off your big retarded head, stop flailing your arms and just shut up!"

"…"

"Good, now all you have to do is put your left hand in."

"Okay."

"Then put your left hand out."

"Uh-huh…"

"Put your left hand in."

"What?"

"Then shake it all about!"

"Why am I doing the hokey pokey?"

"Well, it's a very important part of the ritual!"

"The ritual?"

"To get the rat off!"

"Really?"

"No, I just wanted to make a fool out of you."

THONK!

"Ow…"

"HA-ha!"

"Why'd you hit me with that… that…"

"Fire extinguisher? Oh, it's because that's the only thing lighter than the bowling ball."

"What's a fire extinguisher?"

"Muggle thing to extinguish fires."

"Well, that's the obvious thing. So what do you do? When there is a fire, you take the thing and throw it to the fire?"

"No, you take the valve and point it to the fire."

"Then it magically disappears?"

"No, a white foamy substance comes out the thing and extinguishes the fire."

"I see, but why would we need a fire extinguisher in here? I mean, if there is a fire, we can just make it go away with a swish and flick."

"Dunno…"

"Maybe Dumbledore was on his shopping spree and bought this."

"I doubt it, maybe it was your precious Snape again…"

"Why do you always have to remind me about the pink bowling ball?"

"Because I want to make sure it will haunt you for the rest of your life."

"…"

"…"

"Uh… Granger?"

"Huh? What? ACK! RAT!"

"I knew this was going to happen…"

"Gerritoff gerritoff!"

"Calm down. The way to get the rat off is to…"

"What?"

"Sing."

"Habuwah?"

"Well, that's what the Pied Piper of Hamelin did to ward the rats away…"

"Oh, I shouldn't have trusted you…"

"Ever heard of the phrase 'music soothes the savage beast'?"

"Ever heard of the phrase 'shut up or perish'? Come on, there is no way I'm going to sing…"

"Fine, then you can just let the rat make itself at home."

"ACK! Fine fine! So what do I sing?"

"Don't know…"

"Okay, you better sing something first, anything I do, you better do first."

"Hey, that's not fair!"

"Well, if you would tell me to jump off a cliff, I'd ask you to do it first."

"Why?"

"So I'd know how to do it."

"What? You can't jump off a cliff yourself?"

"… And I'd die happy that way."

"…"

"Moving on…"

"Fine I'll sing.

"Huzzah!"

"Okay, a-hem."

"Do I hear Umbridge there flowing through your veins? With that voice singing, the rats will definitely leave."

Glares.

"What? Oh fine, sorry, ferret, do go on."

"Thank you.

The hills are alive with the sound of music

With songs they have sung for a thousand years

The hills fill my heart with the sound of music

My heart wants to sing every song it hears…"

"Where have I heard that song before? Oh yeah, a dead cat mewing."

"Oh sheesh."

"Well, I wouldn't have said that if you would have sung better!"

"…"

"And how did you even know that song?"

" …"

"It's the Sound of Music, for God's sake!"

"I know that it is the lovely sounds of music coming out of my mouth!"

"I meant the muggle movie!"

"…"

"The one with Julie Andrews?"

"…"

"Let's just forget it."

"Good idea."

"Phew."

"Which reminds me…"

"Oh no…"

"SING FOR ME WOMAN!"

"Sing for you, the ferret? I don't think so…"

"I don't mean for me, just sing, get the rat out of here, and get this over with."

"Whatever… But I still say your horrible singing already warded off the rats…"

"…"

"And I think you're just making me sing for you, since the sooner the rat gets off me, you'll be happy."

"Oh how did you know?"

"…"

"I was sarcastic there."

"Oh."

"…"

"So what do I do?"

"Sing!"

"…"

"You're just trying to stall there…"

"I know."

"And doing a good job of it, by the way."

"Oh thank you, I do try…"

"But now it's time for you to sing!"

"Argh…."

"It's the only way to get the rat off, unless you actually want to touch it…"

"Oh eww! Gross…"

"Then sing!"

"Okay fine… Um…"

"I'm waiting…"

"Fine! The wheels on the bus go round and round…"

"Wait, I thought it was 'The Wheels on the Wizard Bus go Round and Round'!"

"What? They have that version?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well, that's the muggle version."

"How nice."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"You can sing now…"

"Oh really? Why, I was merely waiting for you to sing again…"

"What? You want me to sing? Moi?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Oh, I'd be honored to, any requests?"

"Nope."

"Okay, fine.

One million bottles sitting on the wall, one million bottles sitting on the wall, one fell down and there are now, nine hundred ninety nine thousand and nine hundred and ninety nine bottles on the wall…"

"Oh great, what have I gone myself into?"

"Nine hundred ninety nine thousand and nine hundred and ninety nine bottles on the wall, nine hundred ninety nine thousand and nine hundred and ninety nine bottles on the wall…"

"Could you make it shorter?"

"Sure, it's you who got me into singing 'One million bottles' anyway…"

"Phew…"

"But, you just proved this is the best way to torture you!"

"Oh great…"

"Fine, on to the song:

An earthquake went through the southern hemisphere, and all the bottles fell from the wall."

"Yay! Woot!"

"Sarcasm Granger…"

"Fine, I admit that was not the best…"

"HA!"

"And did want you to sing more…"

"Really?"

"But then you had to stop before the next millennium."

"Awh, you wanted me to sing just for you to stall…"

"Meh, what ever…"

"But I can't turn my fans down!"

"What fans, ferret?"

"I must sing more!"

"No no no!"

"The hills are alive with the sounds of MOOOO-- ouch!"

"Phew…"

"What'd you do that for?"

"To stop you singing, of course."

"But you told me to keep singing!"

"That was just to stall."

"And that was a nice way to stall too! At least we'll have something to do until our so-called friends come!"

"Yeah, a nice way for YOU to stall. My ears are bleeding, for crying out loud!"

"What, you want me to cry out loud, sure! AAAAAAA…"

"It's just a figure of speech!"

"Oh shoot…"

"And you only want to sing just to torture me!"

"Hmm… Can't argue with that…"

"What ever…"

"Wait, have you forgotten something?"

"What?"

"Something black, squeaky, has a long pink tail, beady eyes…"

"Oh my God!"

"Yes, oh my God! You just found religion!"

"No, not that, the rat!"

"In school you're a fast learner, but now you're really slow to catch on…"

"Get it off!"

"Don't worry…"

"Why? Did the singing make it go away?"

"No…"

"What? It's still there?"

"Not exactly…"

"Then what is it?"

"I'm going to regret saying this…"

"JUST LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG!"

"Like the way you transformed into one back in second year?"

"…"

"I really don't want to tell you…"

"Oh come on…"

"Well, it's going to hurt someone, mostly me!"

"Please with sugar lumps on top?"

"…"

"I'll even let you sing again…"

"Oh really? Sure!

You are sixteen going on seventeen…"

"Okay! Enough singing! Time to tell me!"

"What?"

"A deal's a deal."

"I didn't even sing one song!"

"Well, I did say 'sing' and not specifically 'one song'…"

"What? Wait, you're right…"

"I know…"

"That way you could become a lawyer or attorney…"

"Well, that was just a lesson to teach you to read the fine print!"

"Huh? There was no contract whatsoever, so how could I read anything?"

"It just means to pay attention to the details…"

"Oh… I see…"

"Now, tell me about the rat. Where is it...?"

"Umm… I'm really uncomfortable saying it…"

"Why? What's wrong?"

"You see… Er…"

"SPIT IT OUT!"

"I made the rat up."

"…"

"Sorry?"

"Grr…"

"Uh-oh."

THONK.

"Wow, second time Ferret's gone hit in the head in five minutes."

…_**s**i**n**g..._

(**A/N:** I'm so sorry, I have no idea since my brain has an overload because of my finals… I'll try to update sooner, next week hopefully, and if I missed any of the reviewers, sorry! I'll mention you next chapter! If anyone asks 'why the Sound of Music?' well, blame my sister. She just watched The Sound of Music for the thousandth time with my mom since it's the only thing to do for 3 hours of boredom during the summer, and she was singing that bloody song. Aye... I hate that song, but it's my bloody inspiration! And now I should bloody stop talking and let you bloody review my bloody story! gets random things thrown at Aye... Fine, I'll stop saying bloody...)


	6. Bohemia

**The Closet Speaks**

**Chapter 6: Bohemia**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own the song, don't own the characters, but HELL YEAH I OWN THE RANDOMNESS!

(**A/N**: Sorry I didn't update for so long… I had to deal with homework and a large brick blocking by writer-ness-ness-ness… Thank you **Smenzer, snowmouse, tortugan.sparrow, hermionerocks2008, Kiwi-San, Sugar Quill High, Crying Pixie, Gone-Goonie, AmericanIdiot252** for the reviews… To make things easier, I'll type whatever Draco's saying in **bold** and Hermione's in normal.)

**WARNING: VERY RANDOM. IF YOU ARE A SERIOUS PERSON, PLEASE READ SOMETHING SERIOUS SUCH AS PRIDE AND PREJUDICE BY JANE AUSTEN** (which, by the way, is really romantic… Pride and Prejudice, I mean.)

Updated on 5 December to make it look neater.

...**b**_o_h**e**_m_i**a**_…_

**"…"**

"…"

**"…"**

"Is this the real life…"

"**Yeah it is…"**

"Is this just fantasy…"

"**What the…"**

"Caught in a landslide…"

"**In all of Hogwarts history, there were no reports of landslides. You should know since you read Hogwarts A History a thousand times."**

"No escape from reality…"

**"…"**

"Open your eyes…"

"**They, unfortunately, are open, mybeauty challenged friend…"**

"Look up to the skies and see…"

"**There are no windows here, idiot."**

"I'm just a poor boy…"

"**What? You're a transvestite?"**

"I need no sympathy…"

Sigh.

"**You're in denial my half-witted and half-brother…"**

"Because I'm easy come, easy go…"

"**Then how come you never leave?"**

"Little high, little low…"

"**That's true…"**

"Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me…"

"**Actually it does, there was this one time the wind blew and your skirt was… Never mind."**

"To me…"

**"…"**

"Mama, just killed a man…"

"**Hey, I'm not your mother… Hold on, you WHAT?"**

"Put a gun against his head…"

"**What's a gun?"**

"Pulled my trigger now he's dead…"

"**What in the name of Merlin is a bloody trigger?"**

"Mama, life had just begun…"

"**I told you already, I'm not your mother!"**

"But now I've gone and thrown it all away…"

**"…"**

"Mama…. Oooh…"

"**Are you deaf, woman?"**

"Didn't mean to make you cry…"

"**I know, Mud Pie,it was in your genes you look like that…"**

"If I'm not back again this time tomorrow…"

"**There won't be a tomorrow if you don't shut up…"**

"Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really mattered…"

"**But I do matter!"**

"Too late, my time has come…"

"**What? Don't die! I need a reputation to keep! I don't want to look like a murderer!"**

"Send shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time…"

"**Huh? Oh… EW."**

"Good bye, everybody, I've got to go…"

"**At this rate, we're not going anywhere."**

"Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth."

"**What? You're going to look in a mirror?"**

"Mama…. Oooh…. Anyway the wind blows…"

"**Huh?"**

"I don't want to die…"

"**Awh! That just made me sad…"**

"Sometimes I wish I've never been born at all…"

"**Too bad that you happened…"**

"I see a little silhouette of a man…"

"**OY. I'm not LITTLE."**

"Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the fandango…"

"**Number one, I'm Draco Malfoy and what the hell is the fandango?"**

"Thunder bolts and lightning, very very frightening me…"

"**Scaredy cat…"**

"Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Magnifico…"

"**Me no speaka Inglis…"**

"I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me…"

"**Transvestite AND unloved… Tsk, tsk."**

"He's just a poor boy from a poor family…"

"**Transvestite AND poor… Tsk, tsk…"**

"Spare him his life from this monstrosity…"

"**I won't. Ha!"**

"Easy come easy go, will you let me go?"

"**I wish!"**

"Bismillah! No! We will not let you go. Let him go!"

"**Why are you talking to yourself in that funny voice?"**

"Bismillah! We will not let you go. Let him go!"

**"…"**

"Bismillah! We will not let you go. Let me go!"

**"…"**

"Will not let you go! Let me go!"

**"…"**

"Will not let you go! Let me go!"

**"…"**

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

"**Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!"**

"Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go…"

**"…"**

"Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me…"

"**Hello, San Fran-psycho…"**

"So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye…"

"**Never thought of that…"**

"So you think you can love me and leave me to die…"

"**Why would I love YOU?" **(**A/N:** D/Hr fan girls, please don't kill me…)

"Oh baby… Can't do this to me baby…"

"**I repeat, huh?"**

"Just gotta get out… Just gotta get right outta here…"

"**Well we CAN'T."**

"Nothing really matters…"

"**I do!"**

"Anyone can see…"

"**Anyone who said that was blind…"**

"Nothing really matters, nothing really matters to me…"

"**Oh, now I get it… Your singing! When I tell you to do something, you always to do it later… And I thought you were a responsible Head Girl! Tsk, tsk. I'm telling!"**

"To who? Your pink loving friend?"

...**b**_o_h**e**_m_i**a**_…_

(**A/N**: I told you it was random! If you know the song that Hermione was singing, I'll give you a picture of teh hawt Robert Pattinson! Sorry, crazy here. Review, please?)


End file.
